moms,
Imagine ... that u are leaving the university tomorrow for a job in a distant land. You've had some great memories for around 2 years with lots of people at the university. How many people will come to say goodbye to you ? right now ... for me ... its none. May be my room-mates, otherwise none. The point is not that - the more people come say goodbye to u ... the better. The point is, how you are with people. Irrespective of who comes or not, there is of course a core circle that sticks with you. Beyond that ... how many people have you managed to strike a chord with is what matters. This I have come to understand this lately. With you around all the time, I had a certain tone and method of speaking. I would have a lot of thoughts - one leading into another. But I would only say the last (or later) thought. You would get the thought process or atleast get what made me say what I said and acknowledge. To rephrase that, after a talk there would be no gaps between what is in my mind and what you understood from what I told you. I was stupid to have conveniently assumed that: somehow the whole damn world also understands if I think 99 thoughts but only speak out only the 100th thought. I kinda got used to the less verbose means of communicating with "people." I assumed that the thought process is implicit and some how conveyed even if I didn't end my sentences properly.
I now understand the gaps between me and a person from PESIT that I'll never forget (he shares part of my name). There I was posting some random thoughts as status messages totally ignoring possibility of a very evident co-incidence in terms of the messages' context to his personal life. I thought about that status message, put it in and forgot about it. Little did I know that it offended that person so much ... that I think he hated me (or still does, i don't know ... and I don't care anyway.)
Then there is the infamous incident about me sending an email to someone. Well, I heard from a third person that one of my friend had got a job overseas. I was so happy ... that I sent an email to that person congratulating that person. I didn't have a phone number to call and so I ended up sending an email with this exact content. "[Subject]: Congratulations! [Body] I heard that you got a job in XYZ." This person had not told me in person about the job offer yet. I didn't think that I should wait until that person tells me personally and then congratulate. I thought I'd send in a casual congrats email. At this end of the pipe, I m all happy and stuff. But on the other end of the pipe, I learn that: the person has taken serious offence of my email. That then sparked off a series of phone calls b/w some of my friends ... which is totally unknown to me and I got to learn how people take what I write or say. From my end, it was a harmless email. But it seemed sarcastic to the reader for whatever reason.
One more incident is that: I came to know from poms that one of my classmate at PESIT hates me. Or atleast I think that its just one of my classmate that hates me... I don't know how many more hate me. Anyway, this class-mate (who is now in San Diego) hates me for some reason that I don't really understand. I have never teased him like the other boys in class. I didn't slap him outside the PESIT library. I didn'humiliate him or pick on him in class or anywhere in public like the other boys. Then why is the hatred ? If you recall ... I was the only one amongst all 3 of us who would speak on his side each time his topic came up when we were hanging out. I don't understand what I did that he would hate me. Again, from my end I would have thought that I didn't do anything offend him ... and god knows how he took whatever I said.
Lastly, let's come to the awesome December California trip that I had. I thought the trip was awesome. I met some really nice people who let me stay with them for like half a month! We talked and talked for hours, shared stuff, argued about stuff, etc, etc. Looking back on it ... I have made some terrible blunders which I think have dis-figured my character in their minds. My intentions behind what ever I said or did were noble. Yet I think I was seen as someone who decides for others (yeah rite! I don't even decide for myself sometimes). Somehow "possessive" is how they'd describe me. I looked up the word in the dictionary and am not convinced. I think I am anything but that. I only wanted to have a good time. My definiton of good time is when everyone of us has a good time. When in a group, I don't really have a take on what specific group activity to do ... because for me their company is more than enough. I don't really care about what we do while we are together. This was misunderstood as "lack of interest." Can't really blame them because they don't understand me like you do. I think at the end of the trip ... I became someone that they had to bear because I had tagged along. I am not saying that they hate me. They'd be more than willing to have me over the next time I ask them to. But in that trip, I think I was reduced to an "option" from a "necessity." That is a sinking feeling moms. I think I did that for myself - without my knowledge. If I can, I would go and stop myself from boarding that flight to Memphis. I would stop myself from reacting the way I did when they offered to take us to San Diego. I would stop myself from saying what I said when we were talking about you. The last one was clearly where I hit the jackpot. That is where it went downhill for me. At the end of December, if all went well I should have made amazing friends. But now, I am not even sure if they like to pick up my call should I happen to call them.
The Fall semester has taught me wonderful lessons. I also experienced a lot of new stuff when it comes to friends and people. At the end of the semester, Poms accused me of doing something... After he said what he did - it disturbed me and also gave me a question. After 8 years ... is this what you give me ?? I won't say I hate him now ... from his perspective he may be right in thinking so. Apart from poms ... I received some treatment that I did nothing to deserve, from her. That also gave me another question. What do you really think about me ? To conclude moms, after these series of events ... I have come to a fine conclusion that no one will ever understand me like you do. Apart from you and my mother ... I don't think there is anyone else that I have struck a positive chord with. Until July 12th 2010 I was a necessity in your life and some more lives because of you. After July 12th 2010, I am an option. An option they can live without quite comfortably. I am not going to isolate myself and bitch about the world. I need to start living in a manner that I never thought I would. I never thought I have to think and speak even to my friends ... because I assumed they know that I'd never remotely intend to hurt or leave them mentally disturbed. Apparantly that is not the case.
+ Chetu
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