Thursday, October 28, 2010

moms - i m coming home

moms,

  So much has changed from August 9th when I had to fly out of Raleigh. It killed me inside to watch her leave at the airport. I was contemplating not boarding the flight at all... but then I am here for a purpose and have to finish it. Eversince I landed in Texas my heart was longing to go back to Raleigh. Go back to my home in America. The conditions when I left Raleigh back in August took turns and twisted into different set of situations in October. Irrespective of the situation I was happy to be there. What was planned as a surprise visit to her... came crashing down in one moment of weakness. I told her that I am coming home 2 days before arrival! I had held it in for a month or so and the last 2 days I couldn't hold it in. Got blasted nicely from Divya and Pavan for that. If it still remained a surprise as per plan, then I d have got to see her face light up when I would meet her on Friday evening. I wonder how she would have reacted. Would she hug me and break down ? or would she be so happy that she'll shout at me for coming all the way! That will still remain a mystery coz I blew perhaps the only chance of the element of surprise. Anyway, on October 22nd I got to see her face - in person. Quite a site it was. She seems to have come out slowly, although there is a long way to go I noticed that she is giving herself a chance and not closing off. I cannot describe how happy I was just landing in Raleigh! I came out of the airport and there she came driving. For a moment there it didn't sink in that I am in Raleigh... couple of minutes out of the airport during the drive I was like: "Shit! I am in Raleigh!" I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to scream, yell and wohoo my heart out. But like a gentleman I sat there calm and quiet.

  Swaroop had earlier forwarded me a trip plan for the weekend. But frankly, I didn't care that much. All that mattered was that I was there... around friends. She dropped me off at home and left for the office to return in the evening. I sat there just like that thinking. What a life we could have had! Me loofy-goofy and you incharge. At that moment I so wanted to hug you moms... wanted to speak to you or atleast a hifi! I even took the mandolin and played ur signature tune... hoping u'll hear and respond in some way. But you chose to keep quiet. Any way, 2 hours later she came home... and thus started the most memorable, sweet 4 days of this year. It doesn't matter what I did those 4 days. It doesn't matter were I went. All that mattered was that I was with her or she was with me. Somehow the time seemed to pass - looking at her smile, pulling her leg whenever possible, going to the balcony with a coffee mug in hand telling her that "I m calling home" but in actuality I was sobbing turning away. Oh ya! I bought this gift for her birthday. I purchased it somewhere around Septembe 20th. It was a algae-green codroi coat. I loved it! But unfortunately, I seemed to have bought one size bigger. Typical me ... can't do nothin without such goof-ups. She liked it ... but has to get it exchanged for a smaller size. I am just glad she liked my selection.

  I was so darn excited that I couldn't sleep on Friday night (partly because I had to finish something) I sat there thinking about the present and how things have turned from August to October. I also started thinking about the current change and how it is going to affect my life, our friendship and the next year of my life in the US. Nothing is certain moms, but one thing is... she has found herself again.

until next time,
-Chetu

Sunday, October 10, 2010

truly happy birthday indeed!

moms,


    Her birthday celebrations went super moms! The amount of care all of them have for her is visible in the elaborate preparations those guys made for a small party. In the recent turn of events... this birthday is even more special for her. All the special people wished at precisely the right moments. I was on the other side of a skype video chat witnessing it. Funny it may seem... in the same country but still I could only manage to watch her birthday celebrations via skype. Anyway, let's not get into that now. The point is all of us tried to make her birthday special ... so far it has been great. She is so happy. I could see that in her tone. We miss you now more than eve moms. How awesome would it have been had you been there. The first piece of cake cut, would have been given to you... may be a hug or two, a tear or two. All of us hooting in happiness. And then may be we would all dance... she with her moves is a hit where as we with our unconventional routines bring some change. You were watching this birthday from above weren't you moms ?? I want to believe you were ... we want to believe you were.


    Right now, its movie-after-party time. She is watching a movie over there. But there is a bigger surprise waiting for her at home. We have managed to sneak in a nice surprise into the house. I am dying to see the reactions on her face when she sees it. Seperated by distances, but united by thought we have managed to make her special day even more special. With you all these trying is not required. Just your presence would have made the difference. There is a question mark in all our lives. And you know what ... soon one of the huge question marks will manifest itself into a smile on our lives. The circle is going to be complete moms. Damn! it is too premature to even blog about it. But you can read my mind right ? I bet you already know about it :)


    I am simply sitting in front of your laptop and trying to imagine how her face will light up after seeing our little surprise - coming all the way from Bangalore-to-Arlington-to-Cary.
    Ok now... I'll talk to you after she calls me about the surprise :)


- chetu

Saturday, October 9, 2010

10/10/10

moms,


   for the first time me and poms got to speak about you (post july 12th). All these days both me and poms used to lock up all the emotions in a part of our mind that is not at all accessible when we're in public. Everytime I came to your house in those times, I constantly reminded myself that I need to be strong. Kshama looks at my face and gets her strength and she is inturn the strength of Shanti. Poms also did the same. When we leave towards our respective houses is when we got time for ourselves to think about the events that happened. 24kms of introspection, thought, tears later I used to reach Kundalahalli gate signal. One right turn and I'll be home. My parents can't see me like this and hence i used to lock up all those emotions again. Sometime late in the night I remember waking up and just sitting there looking at nothing. Mind completely blank. No clarity even a day into the future. That's when I decided to take each day as it comes. Living 24hours at a time. Nothing else matters.


   Today, poms and me spoke about this. Its good that we spoke about this. But I do know that we are on the same page. Its decided that none of us in the circle suffer alone. If one goes down, the others have to pull em up. It worked today. After the conversation I was feeling better. None of the questions remain answered, but a new strength is kindled. It is true that we now have formed a circle - the three of us. The circle spans over 2 countries now. The plan (and hope) is that we are all in the same place soon. I am just counting down days moms... every day takes me closer to October 22nd. That's when I'll go back to Raleigh. Pretty soon October 22nd will come and go. What after that ? This is a big question. None of us know how things will unfold in the near future. There is always hope that it goes as we think. Then again reality wakes us up each time. Last 2 times our hope lost ... we may have enough in us to take it one more time. Speak to the big man urself moms... ask him for this one hope to be true. If I were to ask ... then I ask the big man to send u back to us. The world is not the same without you. On the 10th day of the 10th month of the 10th year of the new millenium... I ask of you to come back. 
Come back with your heart and mind and love unchanged. 
Come back with those smiles on your face seeing which we had joy in our lives. 
Come back with your theories and analogies about life which are proved right time and again. 
Come back with your passion to live from which we seek to be inspired. 
Come back to the joy of simple road trips that we used to have each semester. 
Come back for the countless hours we've spent in RR Nagar discussing life. 
Come back for the tender coconuts at Hanumanthnagar drinking which we made all our plans in life. 
Come back for the dhokla in BDA complex eathing which we used to come up with extemporaneous trips. Come back for the chutney in SLV eating which showed us what contentment feels like.
Come back because you need to see what we've become.
Come back and put some smiles on our lives.
Come back moms... please come back...


- chetu

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sweet October, November... and there after

moms,


   October started off with a bang! and a bang! it is. There i was sitting in my house trying to study for this impending test ... and bam! some one told me something that made me sigh so heavily. Happy, missing, sad, laughter, relief, clarity, loneliness ... all these emotions came out at once. I just wanted to jump up and scream and shout. It took me a while to sink in. It still has not completely sunk in. At this moment, I know only this ... you will be very happy hearing it.


   That's one part. The other is that I had another big ass test some time ago. I was studying for it and couldn't for one second not think about how we used to study. Not one semester have I studied for examinations alone. I come to your house in the afternoon... 
me and your mother will try hard to wake you up...
then aunty will give up saying "nodappa yeLode illa avnu"...
and i'll quietly sit in the room reading newspaper...
and then you'll wake up...
sit and talk for a while...
have breakfast in the afternoon... i regret how many yummy joLad rotti i have said no to!!
finally its time for study
study until lunch time ....
bat for one whole hour at the dining table...
discussing politics, college gossip, this generation's music vs old hindi songs...
back to the room to study...
and at precisely at 4.00 pm i'll sneeze...
this will indicate that we need to pull the curtains... 
and then aunty will get khara with super filter coffee...
u pick up the mandolin, i pick up a pencil...
u start playing crazy tunes while i give you the beats... (using coffee glass, table, book and pretty much anything that makes a thud or a ding noise)...
after our brief orchestra ... its time to study again...
evening sessions used to be so productive...
and at the end... we call-up ppl to see their status...
some new strategies, some new realisations...
plan for the next day... 
and u drop me off at the bus stop... 
on the way to the bus stop, we go on discussing the spoils of the semester, others mindsets, and why some people only call during examinations, why doesn't pavan want to join in on our study, why is preetham like he is... 
on on and on we go until the conductor of the last 15C to leave Kumarswamy layout bus stop blows a whistle.


 I used to leave everyday knowing that I'll come back. Come back to still find you sleeping at 12:30 in the afternoon, and I have to pull push the blanket ... just to see your sleepy face and hear u say "moms 1 more hour moms... and i'll be fresh."


 Funny how all these are only memories. But sometimes I feel you are still sleeping somewhere with a blanket covered until your head ... waiting for me to come and wake you up. Each day I curse myself for not ditching that company and come to see you a month earlier. Each day I curse myself for not applying to a university somewhere closer to Raleigh. Each day I sleep thinking how the times would be had you been there to receive me at the airport. There is still so much to learn from you... I just only barely scraped the surface. Moms ... where are you ??


Chetu.