Sunday, November 28, 2010

Uncomfortable Nostalgia

   Nostalgia can be chilling. I always thought that it would be a nice feeling to be nostalgic. There are instances that will bring a smile on my face and that feel good lasts for a long time. Most of those instances involved us spending time together ... either in Bangalore or miles away from civilization (usually the latter). Instances like ... watching the first sunrise of the year from the kodachardri peak, eating misaaL pav in a place that is not known on the map, speaking to each other loudly to be audible against the musical backdrop of Unchalli falls, long silences followed by laughter in Raju katte. These are all timeless moments that we spent together ... and will last more than a lifetime. Then there are others. Moments which I wouldn't want to recollect even in my dreams. Most of these instances happened in college ... yes - you know exactly what I am talking about. The times when everyone around me seemed to know what exactly was happening, but I was the only one who didn't. I won't go into details coz that is only going to screw up my mind for the next 2 months. I intend to be happy for the next 2 months atleast!
   It was 2005-06 all over again for me today! I was blissfully unaware of something nice that happened. Apparantly it didn't occur to anyone of them involved that somewhere in the other part of the time zone there exists something similar to a human being called Chetan! Often it is these small things that will manage to wound a person partially. That damned wound will not heal ... but will not show also! It hides beneath making appearances at the wrong times. This time the situations are not the same. This time there isn't a YOU with me. For 2 minutes I completely felt a void in my heart. However I am not going to ponder over it much. Simply put in 2 words - life-u ishtene! At the end of the chess game, irrespective of who won ... all pieces go back into the box. Shake it off, lower expectations and move on. The sad part is ... there ain't no reciprocity anymore. I don't think anyone knows the meaning of reciprocity anymore. No point blaming them ... because no one can be like you! No one can be like you - that'll dismiss the point of you being unique. The "ME" back from 2005 would have reacted in a totally different way. But I am not going to waste my energy pondering about this insignificant thing. But I do write this blog to symbolize something. This blog is a symbol of what life has become without you. End of an Era. I would never have written this blog entry or felt like this had you been with me now. I remember once we were on phone and generally discussing on the topic of what's gonna remain ... the answer was ... me and you. The answer is same even today. Only this time ... you aren't physically present. So only me - to the outside world.
   Time and again verses of this song I listen to are proved right. I try to give examples to myself that attempt to prove the verses otherwise. But I have failed in every such attempt. My biggest loss is today's unfortunate event. I call it an unfortunate event coz that's what it is to me ... it could have been anything. But for me ... its an unfortunate event because it just didn't occur to people! Anyway, just for the record here are the verses from that song

   Koi nahi hai, mera yahan - tere bina!
   veeraan sa hai, saara sama - tere bina
   soone nagar hai, sooni dagar hai
   soone hai manzar, sooni nazar hai
   bin tere... tere bina

mai hoo aur kaali raath hai
bas ek gham hee tho saath hai

ek gehera dukh, tere kaaran
mere mann par aise chaata hai
maidaan pe jaise ek baadal
saaya apna phailaata hai
   wo din bhi kya the!
   jab leke tu aaya tha har khushi
   dil poochta hai
   kya aisa hoga dubaara kabhi ?
   maine dil se kaha 
   iss khab ko bhool ja!!

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