Thursday, November 18, 2010

back to that mode which everyone hate


   Today i lost it completely. Past couple of days, I sunk down and low to such a level that there isn't any lower that I can go. Idella bekitta nange ? Eno gottilla. Those days that I did not want to face ever again came back to me. My mind is now back to 2005-2006-2007. Suddenly, Metallica and other heavy metal music look interesting. Listening to them gives some sort of respite. It doesn't do anything to help me ... but increases the aggression in me. There is this new spark that is converted into a fire by my latest choice of music. "Bring it on... i don't need nothin." That is the attitude now. I seriously didn't want me to end up in a place like this ... by what to do, when all else fails I turn towards aggression for solace. For the first time, I missed calling home. Not because I was exhausted, not because I was sleepy or unwell... but I just didn't want to. I didn't want to speak to nobody. And that is the me I hate so much. No choice moms, absolutely no-choice. I am tired of sitting on this side of the laptop screen, being on this side of the phone, always being on the other side. Screw it! I need some strength on my own and this is how I get it. I picked up this line "solitude is the company of a virtuous few" from a colleague. I thought it sounded cool. Little did I know that its gonna bloody describe my situation in the near future. You would definately despise this aggressive me. You would not even talk to this new me. Can't help it. I have little choice with now you being up there. For my own good ... my mind has spawned this thread. I hate myself for being like this. All the concious attempts that I made to stop this state of mind have gone in vain. I really don't know how things will work out or will they work out at all. 

   By the way, I got a call back from Microsoft... they said we are interested in bringing you on for an onsite interview session. This in my first semester. I am supposed to be happy for it. The old me would be jumping ... coz this is something to be excited about. But the current doesn't even care! I don't know if I am twisted upstairs in my head or this is a natural reaction from me. I know only this... from this moment on, I'll lock myself from all kinds of social activity, with too aggressive messages on facebook ... aggressive reactions to people who are uninitiated to my state and will probably think I am retarted. I don't fuckin care! Live life 24hours at a time. Nothing else even remotely matters. I hate my state of mind ... but i didn't ask for it... i guess it just happened. Is there anything that can douse the flames inside me moms ?? Let me know.

+ Chetu

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