Saturday, November 27, 2010

Miss you, Miss you not


  My first thanksgiving weekend in US. I learned that people invite their close circle and put up a nice thanksgiving dinner. And also that people shop till they drop during thanksgiving. Shops open at midnight and almost all of my classmates and university ppl queued up to grab the best deals. Some of them managed to get hold of amazing discounts while they were available. As for me I stayed up all night ... but in my house. Didn't dare to venture out... it was biting cold! (atleast for me) Sometime last week Vijay Raj had invited me over for thanksgiving. I went there on Friday evening. They have some house moms! Its huge! Vijay is a very nice person. I met Guna and Savithri aunty as well. Most of them there were wondering who I was or what was I doing there. Vijay then introduced me to everyone. After all the pleasentaries it was time for retrospection. Each one approacmhed me and asked me how did I know you. I took pride in saying that I was your best friend. These were my exact words: "He is my best friend." (please note no past tense) An elderly woman asked me "So do you miss him ?" I looked at her for a second and thought about the answer. Now what kind of a question was that ? Am I supposed to say YES and fit in the social protocol ? or Am I supposed to say NO... its been 4 months I've moved on! I stood there looking at her and then said "Yes very much." After I came back to Arlington, I got thinking and searching for an answer for the question "Do I miss you ?" 
  June 8th 2008 ... I left for Germany. You came home to say goodbye. July 23rd 2008 ... You left for the US. After I came back from Germany... I didn't miss you. NO. Why ? coz you were always present. I knew all that went on in your life... you knew all that went on in mine. Only difference being we talk on phone rather than on Raju katte. You still made the same influence in my life ... and I did the same in yours. You share your experiences with child like enthusiasm and so did I. I didn't miss you moms ... didn't miss you at all. The times when I missed you were when I called and reached your voicemail box. July 23rd 2010... my last working day at Bosch. The company I stuck with for 4 years (throwing away a fine oppurtunity to join EMC/VMWare) ... I had imagined about that day before. I'll resign, go home and call you ... we can speak about it for hours ... Then I land in the US ... I'll live with you for sometime and then head off to the university. During that time, we would sit and talk for hours ... much like how we used to back in BE. You complain about her and she about you while I sit there and laugh at the sillyness. I make you guys some delicious food. All of us chat with pavan over video and motivate him to come over to the US ... he gives reasons why he shouldn't come over to the US. You show me around NCSU, showing places and recollecting "illi adu maadidvi, alli idu maadidvi." Yes. I miss all that. All I can do now is to create hypothetical conversations and smile. 
  Do I miss you ? best answer is a question: "Do you miss your conscience ?" You are my conscience moms ... How can I ever miss you ? You are always there. When I do something wrong, or think about something that is so un-me ... I hear a voice "beesteeni magane!" Then I take a step back and think again. You have always been my guiding light and always will be. Conscience doesn't have a form ... bullshit! I say conscience is 6 feet tall, has a fair complexion, medium build, hint of tummy, a perfect nose, and hair that can be styled in any direction in seconds (without a comb!) But that form is not talking to me these days. My heart craves to listen to that voice. My heart cries out loud to speak about you to someone. You know the irony moms - I am under specific instructions not to speak about you to someone! That day I completely missed you. No one can talk like that to me! But still considering the gravity of the situation I agreed... Had you been there ... I'd never had to face what I did: I miss you for that. I miss the way you made me feel about the world and myself. I miss the space you gave me in your life even when she came into it. I miss the clarity of thought in you when talking about an issue. I miss the positive thinking in you that made people around you smile and brave even when destiny conspired against your life. I miss the love you show to your special ones. I miss the amount of time and thought you give to better your special ones' lives. I miss the energy you showed towards things that may seem trivial to most people. I miss the bike rides to Shivu during which we had the maximum bonding. I miss the happiness I used to find in small things wnhile you are around. I miss the life that I dreamt about us growing old together. I miss the trips that we would have gone on together. I miss the life in US with you even though I never lived with you in the US. All in all - I miss you moms. I miss you sooo much. As ksham said, I stay frozen on July 12th 2010... nothing has changed for me and nothing will ever. I will never have a best friend and a brother again. Life's just mechanical and goes on ... but the memory remains.

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