Solitude - my new companion

moms,

   today is DeepavaLi. Festival of lights they call it! What is it supposed to signify ? What lights ? I have no clue. Somehow I seem least interested in any activity this DeepavaLi. Partly because I am away from any place that I can remotely call home. But also because I am completely blank right now. I forced myself to do something interesting today. As a result, I made some biriyani ... like how Meghana's Koramangala makes it. Turned out quite ok. After that I am pretty much blank again. I went for a really long walk in Arlington. Went beyond the university and into the residential localities of Arlington. Its pretty nice out there. Cute houses with their driveways, some kids playing in front of their houses, trees on the side of the road, walking on dry leaves and making a crush sound each time... all these reminded me of my childhood in Jayanagar. That place looked just as pretty. Twenty years later, little has changed. Even back then I used to go for long walks alone - walking on fallen leaves and taking some kind of pleasure crushing dried up leaves as I walk. I used to look at other kids playing with their bikes and continue to walk on. In the end reach home, eat and sleep. That used to be the routine then... that is the routine now. Quite a boring life isn't it ? I'd like to think so. Then in 2002, you happened to me. As much as an act of destiny or a calling... I was introduced to you. Those 8 years can be called as the most interesting and joyful part of my life. I found out how cool is it to have a friend. How joyful it is to share with someone. The magic when some other person is able to put your thoughts in sentences! Spooky as it sounds, but it is what shows how much friends understand each other and know each other. I can hardly remember any argument we got into (apart from the silly ones where I refused to come to play cricket and you persisted.) All those times I spent with you I did not realize what I was learning. In a constant learning mode, I sometimes even refused to participate in discussions... just so that I get to listen to you talk. Back then I didn't want to speak... now I can't speak even if I want to! How ironic isn't it ... the way life takes you ? In a day there are at least a zillion times that I want to speak to you... a jillion things I want to share with you. So many times I even sit up to call u... and the many times I did, I learned that AT&T has reassigned your phone number to an American woman! You were always a running thread in my mind... more like a conscience. People say, I may not be able to speak to you or hear you - but u are still alive in myself as the wisdom you imparted onto me. I want hold on to that, but the thought of not being able to speak to you, hear from you is very difficult to digest. The times when I am alone at home sitting in front of the laptop doing absolutely nothing is when I feel the vacuum created in my life. Life has become pretty much mechanical now. I live each day as it comes... and look forward to December. December is just a month... it'll come and go after that I am yet to find a hypothetical motivation to look forward to. I am trying real hard to gel in. I am trying real hard to make new friends... but its just not working out. So I stopped trying. I was scared about her because she had to start from scratch... now I find myself in that position. Will I find someone as lovable as you are ? Will I find someone who cares as much as you did ? Will I find someone that knows what I am thinking while I am thinking ? understands the small things that matter to me ? I seriously doubt it. The memories of the moments spent with you around ... from 2002 to 2010 are all I have now. I'll hold on to them... closely... for those are all that I have with me.

- chetu