Poker Face

moms,


    Ironic ? Misplaced destiny ? Serendipity ? I don't know what to call this. For me it means nothing. It so happens that all 3 of us are in the country of USA from this November. Preetu, Vidya are on a flight to Phily. Pavan is in San Francisco. I am in Charlotte. 30 days from now, Pavan is going to fly in to Phily, I am driving to meet Preetu, Vidya and Pavan. But that doesn't even remotely excite me. There is nothing to look forward to. I don't know to call it ironic or whatever but the only thing enthuising about my trip to is that I will drive to Phily.


    Life as it seems - has come to a point where happiness from tangible objects is more sought after than satisfaction of talking to a friend. When the one reason that I came for isn't here, everything else is just boo-hockey. I have no enmity with anyone. Nor do I have any heart felt concern. I will still go to Phily. I will still try and scratch out any last living ounce of love towards preetu and pavan out from somewhere deep within myself. If I don't find one, I am going to atleast pretend - for old times sake.


+ Chetu

Seattle - nice place it is.

moms,
   big day tomorrow.

   3 weeks of preparation comes down to my performance in those 45 minutes. I hope I remain cool and think up as many approaches as possible to what the guy throws at me. Tomorrow is just the first step of my dream job in Seattle. I hope it goes well. Coming weeks will be very crucial. If all goes well, I can strike out a lot of things from my bucket list soon which othewise will require a lot of effort, time and money :)

   Seattle is known as the "most depressing city in the US." I beg to differ. I found it interesting and pretty (not as pretty as Heilbronn though). I mean, where else can you catch amazing views of snow capped mountains from your office window - both East and West side windows. Olympic national park (or the Olympic mountain range) is like 2 hours away. Mt. Rainer is like an hour's drive. Mountains of Oregon are like 4 hours away and finally Seattle is the closest city from which one can make multiple trips to Denali National park and Glacier National Park.

   Uff! I can go on and on about this list. Coming back the company itself - there is nothing to be said. It's wide open. one of the best companies to work for, period. I just hope I crack all that the engineers can ask me. Wish me luck!

 + Chetan

If only Greg was real

moms,

    Dr. House seems to have a gift. "Deductive Reasoning", or "Differential Diagnosis", or whatever it is called - he somehow cures his patients. Its good to watch his piercing sarcasm towards his colleagues (especially Dr.Cuddy). What if he was real ? What if he had your case ? Why are always fictional charactars the best ? 

+ Chetan

Uncle Sam calling poms

I love NetApp. I think NetApp likes me too. Hence, they've extended my internship over the fall semester. Yepp. You heard it rite :) I guess I'll stick around in the Triangle for one more semester (I still don't know where I'll stay though). This is for a different team under the same project. I'll get to be QA this time. I'll get a chance to see if I like it in QA, also I'll get to see first hand what happens and how it happens. Who knows, if I like it I might continue in this path. That said - there is one more thing going on here that'll baffle you completely. Poms is coming to the US (yes yes. you heard it rite.) Poms is coming to do MBA in a school located in San Francisco. More on that ... later and DNM might follow soon. So looks like we're all atleast one year late in getting to the country you left in 2010. It doesn't matter anymore ... coz the "fabulous" in "four" is out of the equation. I'll sleep now.


+ Chetu

Puchu goes to E&Y

moms,
    guess who is in E&Y - mergers and aquisitions ? Your dear sister. Its her first day at work moms, and this is the real deal. She worked very hard for this. It seems that the position is not open for candidates without experience. But with her merit they gave her an interview and she nailed it. They planned 3 rounds of interview, but by the end of 2 they offered her the position. I am very happy that she got into what she wanted. Really proud today. One amazing brother and sister u 2 make! Wish her luck man.

 + Chetu

ಇಪ್ಪತ್ತಾರು !!

moms,


    Twenty Six. Phew! it sounds really old when I hear someone say that. So much to do, yet nothing done. This year is going to be interesting for me. Or atleast I'll try and make it interesting for myself. Its already the 13th in India and a couple of calls came in. Was very happy to hear aunty and uncle wish me. Going back like 5 years ... this day used to be spent completely in your house where we sit and study for the impending "semester exams." Aunty would make something very nice for lunch. We'll eat to our heart's content (sometimes leaving behind little for aunty herself!). Remember ? once on we both took an oath not to shave our beards until the semester exams were over. That birthday was a good one. Some 13 people came to that hotel for dinner (yes, including Gowri and Radha) that was a funny one. And a year later to that, I brought sweets on my birthday to your house where me, you, preetu were studying together. I remember that I finished the whole sweet box leaving little for you guys! And then there is the infamous first birthday where I ran out of cash at the hotel and you and pavan had to pay up too!!! After that Pavan got cautious and kept some reserve money everytime I gave a "treat." Ah! the good old days.


    Five years hence, its all different now. Nothing special, or fancy today. Its another day in my life. I have invited the Raleigh junta over for dinner tonite. Let's see how many of are bold enough to turn up and eat the "wonderful" bisibeLe bath that I am going to make. I have no idea how to make bisibeLe bath btw. Only theoritical knowledge. But then again, there's the wisdom that I can use from youtube.com :)

My name is Anaya

   'ann', 'too', 'thee', 'dosa beku anaya ki', 'papaaa'. These are excerpts from Ananya's ever growing vocabulary. She's a little over a year old now moms. You should see how hyper active she has become. My mother, my aunt, my father, and my sister have a tough time handling her. She apparently runs around the house (mostly outside than in), likes to flip through her big and colorful picture books, loves to yank anything out of its place and spread it all over the floor. It seems she gets off the bed herself and I think she even climbs the bed herself. I so miss being there. You know, I thought she'll forget about be. But my mother told me that on the days that I do not call at the regular time, she brings the phone to my mother and says "mamaa." That's sweet. It is also remarkable as to how a toddler remembers the phone call patterns of some person she saw when she was three months old. Strange it is!

   That said, my internship at NetApp is going good. I like the team and the informal atmosphere. I love the veggie wrap and pasta salad for lunch. But lately, I've not been able to eat more than half of the veggie wrap :P Eric as a buddy is great and David is really affable. I so hope NetApp offers me full time. It'll be fun working there and to put some of my plans into action. Life apart from NetApp has been a little boring. But I try to keep it interesting. Want to go on this awesome trek to the Appalachian Mountains on some weekend. I hope I get to go there. This saturday (June 11th) NetApp is taking us to a Durham Bulls vs someone else baseball game. Looking forward to it.

until later moms,
+ chetu

2.3.081@ NetApp

moms,


Today was my first day at NetApp, RTP. I woke up really early, had a nice clean shave, was ready by 8 to be picked up by Swaroop. I wore the Ruggers T-shirt you got me back in 2006. It's my favorite t-shirt. I arrived at building 1 a good 90 minutes early than the time scheduled. Went in, filled some of the forms and gave my name to the nice lady out there at Security Badging. She typed in my name, and says "I am sorry, but I cannot find you in the database." I spelled out my last name to her but she said, "I got one entry for that name, but its not you." My heart skipped a beat! I told her to call Sara Burns and Brett Gunlock to verify. Went back to waiting in the lobby. Sara Burns came down and asked me if I had signed in. I told her the problem and Sara told me that they had entered my name as "Kumar, Chetan Kumar" !! They signed me in, got me a badge and I eventually went in. But I am known as Chetan Kumar, Kumar according to NetApp  :P I've arranged to get it changed over this week.


At the orientation session they asked all us interns to introduce ourselves with one interesting thing about oneself. I told'em that "I am the only intern coming from UNC Charlotte." Jill Ripper looked at me and said "ow yes." And for a few minutes I tried to think about something that is interesting in me - didn't find an answer!! 


The team I am in is awesome. There are some pretty amazing people out there. For a start, there's Brett Gunlock the manager who's in the industry longer than I am alive! Today at lunch I learned that he used to be associated with a nuclear submarine! He's a proper farm boy (man, watever) He's a pretty jovial and informal about things but most of all very affable. Then there's Daniel Holmes. He's a proud Duke University alum who's the team lead. The brain behind so many things yet so down to earth. He personally came up to me today evening and asked me about my day. I used the opportunity to ask him about a solution I had suggested to a problem he faced in the team (he told me about it in the interview) just to get me going. Finally, there's Eric Sirianni. He is a systems major from Stanford University. He's been great so far. I have heard a lot about him from all the other team members. I am looking forward to learn a lot from him and also make an impression about my brief stay here. 


The internship so far looks bright and interesting and eventful. I will give it my full horsepower and clinch a position at the end of it. More than that, I intend to make a lot of "friends" at NetApp. Let's see how it goes.


cheerio!
chetu

My world revolves around u

moms,

    That is quite a strong title. I can defend it. You are aware about all events that took place during our college days and a couple of years after. This post is about the events that happened this year. This morning I got a call from BeeJae Visitacion, a recruiter from VMWare. He wants to set up an interview with a hiring manager tomorrow. I already have gone through 2 rounds in technical interview in the Stress Testing team. Yepp - that's your team. Guess who's the manager - its Gunjan Patel. I very well remember a conversation between you and Gunjan you forwarded me in 2008. I thought that he is a good manager. Anyway, the point is - should I accept the offer that Gunjan makes tomorrow (I am pretty sure and confident that he'll be interested to take me) I'll be working for a team that you used to earlier.

    The thought of doing MS never crossed my mind soon after we graduated in 2006. I wanted to work for sometime and then take my chance - in India itself. You, and my mother respected that. Then after some gyan from you and the confidence shown by my mother and sister i took the leap from the Lion's head. I quit my job which kept me financially secure (if not satisfied) for 4 years, left home, and came thousands of miles to a place I thought I'll never come to. The fact that I didn't have any relatives didn't matter. You were here  ... that's all I cared about.

    Is it co-incidence or destiny that I didn't get through to so many companies that I applied to even with references but got through only to Microsoft, NetApp, and VMWare ? Is it a co-incidence that I didn't get through Microsoft interview after having done so well in it, but got through NetApp and VMWare ? Any internship is good internship. But why did I have some strange sub-consious seriousness and a fighting urge to get in to NetApp but not Microsoft. I was definately serious about Microsoft, but not as much as NetApp. It may be co-incidence or it may be because I already had lost an internship offer. I like to believe that it is destiny.

    I can give so many reasons to why I switched schools. But the topmost reason ... the one I don't normally speak about is that I want to be in NC. Opportunities are here, people are here, blah-blah, but more than anything else you are here - period. Given this, I am going to continue to live here until I have had enough of you.

ice-pice ಆಟ ಸಾಕು

ನನ್ನ ಪಾಲಿಗೆ ನೀನು ಸತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ ಕಣೋ. ಎಲ್ಲೋ ದೂರ ಇದ್ದೀಯ. ನನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಮುನ್ಸ್ಕೊಂಡು ಇದ್ದೀಯ. ಯಾವತ್ತೋ ಒಂದ್ ದಿನ ಬರ್ತೀನಿ ನಿನ್ನ ಕಡೆಗೆ. ಬಹುಷಃ ನಾನು ಬದ್ಲಾಗಿರ್ತೀನೇನೋ, ಆದ್ರೆ ನೀ ಮಾತ್ರ ಹಾಗೆ ಇರ್ತೀ ಅಲ್ವ? 
ನಾ ಮತ್ನದ್ಸಿದ್ರೆ ಉತ್ರ ಕೊಡ್ತೀ ಅಲ್ವ ? 
ನನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಕೋಪ ಹೊಗಿರತ್ತಲ್ವ ? 


+ Chetu

The World Cup is ours

    Lasith Malinga started his run up to bowl to MS Dhoni. We have like 4 runs to win from 11 balls. 200 people sitting in the auditorium. All of us watching very closely. There is this weird silence in the auditorium. Malinga released the ball ... Dhoni came down the ground, smashed it up in the air. The ball went so high ... all of us watched until the last moment. The ball went over the line, its a huge six ... and the whole theater erupted! And then ... you know how it is ... the victory celebrations.

    Triveni, an organisation for Indian Students at UNC Charlotte booked the university theater to watch the matches. We watched India v Pakistan and again India vs Sri Lanka too. About 200 people gathered and watched India win yesterday. I got myself a blue t-shirt, got the tri-color painted on my left cheek n watched the game. Its a different feeling watching the game amidst a lot of people. This I only understand now. After the game all of us (no, not 200 ... just 20 of us) went to a restraunt called Hibachi Grill. Japanese vegetarian cuisine also doesn't have much options :( I ate all I could possibly eat, came home and slept like a pig! That is how I spent my first weekend in April.

Hi! I am Chetan. But you can call me Rude.

moms,

    Imagine ... that u are leaving the university tomorrow for a job in a distant land. You've had some great memories for around 2 years with lots of people at the university. How many people will come to say goodbye to you ? right now ... for me ... its none. May be my room-mates, otherwise none. The point is not that - the more people come say goodbye to u ... the better. The point is, how you are with people. Irrespective of who comes or not, there is of course a core circle that sticks with you. Beyond that ... how many people have you managed to strike a chord with is what matters. This I have come to understand this lately. With you around all the time, I had a certain tone and method of speaking. I would have a lot of thoughts - one leading into another. But I would only say the last (or later) thought. You would get the thought process or atleast get what made me say what I said and acknowledge. To rephrase that, after a talk there would be no gaps between what is in my mind and what you understood from what I told you. I was stupid to have conveniently assumed that: somehow the whole damn world also understands if I think 99 thoughts but only speak out only the 100th thought. I kinda got used to the less verbose means of communicating with "people." I assumed that the thought process is implicit and some how conveyed even if I didn't end my sentences properly.

    I now understand the gaps between me and a person from PESIT that I'll never forget (he shares part of my name). There I was posting some random thoughts as status messages totally ignoring possibility of a very evident co-incidence in terms of the messages' context to his personal life. I thought about that status message, put it in and forgot about it. Little did I know that it offended that person so much ... that I think he hated me (or still does, i don't know ... and I don't care anyway.)

    Then there is the infamous incident about me sending an email to someone. Well, I heard from a third person that one of my friend had got a job overseas. I was so happy ... that I sent an email to that person congratulating that person. I didn't have a phone number to call and so I ended up sending an email with this exact content. "[Subject]: Congratulations! [Body] I heard that you got a job in XYZ." This person had not told me in person about the job offer yet. I didn't think that I should wait until that person tells me personally and then congratulate. I thought I'd send in a casual congrats email. At this end of the pipe, I m all happy and stuff. But on the other end of the pipe, I learn that: the person has taken serious offence of my email. That then sparked off a series of phone calls b/w some of my friends ... which is totally unknown to me and I got to learn how people take what I write or say. From my end, it was a harmless email. But it seemed sarcastic to the reader for whatever reason.

    One more incident is that: I came to know from poms that one of my classmate at PESIT hates me. Or atleast I think that its just one of my classmate that hates me... I don't know how many more hate me. Anyway, this class-mate (who is now in San Diego) hates me for some reason that I don't really understand. I have never teased him like the other boys in class. I didn't slap him outside the PESIT library. I didn'humiliate him or pick on him in class or anywhere in public like the other boys. Then why is the hatred ? If you recall ... I was the only one amongst all 3 of us who would speak on his side each time his topic came up when we were hanging out. I don't understand what I did that he would hate me. Again, from my end I would have thought that I didn't do anything offend him ... and god knows how he took whatever I said.

    Lastly, let's come to the awesome December California trip that I had. I thought the trip was awesome. I met some really nice people who let me stay with them for like half a month! We talked and talked for hours, shared stuff, argued about stuff, etc, etc. Looking back on it ... I have made some terrible blunders which I think have dis-figured my character in their minds. My intentions behind what ever I said or did were noble. Yet I think I was seen as someone who decides for others (yeah rite! I don't even decide for myself sometimes). Somehow "possessive" is how they'd describe me. I looked up the word in the dictionary and am not convinced. I think I am anything but that. I only wanted to have a good time. My definiton of good time is when everyone of us has a good time. When in a group, I don't really have a take on what specific group activity to do ... because for me their company is more than enough. I don't really care about what we do while we are together. This was misunderstood as "lack of interest." Can't really blame them because they don't understand me like you do. I think at the end of the trip ... I became someone that they had to bear because I had tagged along. I am not saying that they hate me. They'd be more than willing to have me over the next time I ask them to. But in that trip, I think I was reduced to an "option" from a "necessity." That is a sinking feeling moms. I think I did that for myself - without my knowledge. If I can, I would go and stop myself from boarding that flight to Memphis. I would stop myself from reacting the way I did when they offered to take us to San Diego. I would stop myself from saying what I said when we were talking about you. The last one was clearly where I hit the jackpot. That is where it went downhill for me. At the end of December, if all went well I should have made amazing friends. But now, I am not even sure if they like to pick up my call should I happen to call them.

    The Fall semester has taught me wonderful lessons. I also experienced a lot of new stuff when it comes to friends and people. At the end of the semester, Poms accused me of doing something... After he said what he did - it disturbed me and also gave me a question. After 8 years ... is this what you give me ?? I won't say I hate him now ... from his perspective he may be right in thinking so. Apart from poms ... I received some treatment that I did nothing to deserve, from her. That also gave me another question. What do you really think about me ? To conclude moms, after these series of events ... I have come to a fine conclusion that no one will ever understand me like you do. Apart from you and my mother ... I don't think there is anyone else that I have struck a positive chord with. Until July 12th 2010 I was a necessity in your life and some more lives because of you. After July 12th 2010, I am an option. An option they can live without quite comfortably. I am not going to isolate myself and bitch about the world. I need to start living in a manner that I never thought I would. I never thought I have to think and speak even to my friends ... because I assumed they know that I'd never remotely intend to hurt or leave them mentally disturbed. Apparantly that is not the case.

 + Chetu

NetApp calling!!!

moms,

    got it! got it! got it! Sara Burns called me right now and said: "Is this Chetan Kumar. This is Sara calling from NetApp. I am calling to inform you that we'd like to offer u a summer internship position at NetApp this Summer. U'll be working in Brett Gunlock's team. This will be a 10-14 week internship program starting from late May to Early June. You'll be paid $33 per-hour. You'll also be given a relocation allowance and travel or mileage reimbursement. So are you ok with the terms ? Do you accept the offer ?"

   I had no words for a second or two. Then I asked when is the starting date ? Should I decide and tell you the starting date immediately ? She said, "No you can fill out the offer letter with a suitable starting date." And then it struck me ... sh**t !! I am going to intern at NetApp!! that too NetApp RTP !! This is huge - for me. It's not sunk in completely yet moms... U know me, typical me. Stuff doesn't sink in too soon. Will talk more about it. For now ... I've got to attend a phone interview from vmware ;)

+ Chetu

7 days

moms,

    One tough and strenuous week of preparation juggling between a mid-term, 2 assignments, and the most important internship interview ever. This is one week I'll never forget. Started off with Swaroop's birthday bash last weekend. Met her and swaroop after like a month and a half or more. That's one of the reasons I even went to Cary :) Anyway, there we were sitting around doing nothing at Swaroop's place and I get an email from NetApp regarding an interview schedule. I was excited. This is the company you had been talking to me about while you were in Bangalore and after you came to NCSU. I finally have a chance to interview for an intern position at NetApp. I was not so excited when I got a call from Microsoft. But there is something about NetApp that attracts me. I don't know what it is yet completely. But I am determined to find out. I am confident about my interviews today. I would hire me as an intern. I have all they are looking for and more. I hope that fumble in the last interview didn't cost me much.

    This week is very memorable in many ways. I didn't know that I could handle those many parellel tasks. It was a good routine that I practiced. Although it has left me drained and saturated, I am happy that I had to go through it. This week ended just as interesting as it started. On the way back to the airport, we had a nice serious conversation. I kinda saw it coming. I am so glad that I am on the receiving end of such serious stuff. I must have done something right (or wrong). Since I have a mid-term tomorrow, we couldn't dive deep into the topic. I was briefly told ... and the rest is ... well, just feel. I got the feel. After my exam tomorrow (for which I am not studying right now) I should be able to concentrate more on completing the talk. Don't want no open ended discussions see. All in all moms, it was a very very good week. I sincerely wish NetApp brings me on board this Summer. I've got some ideas already :)

will talk to you later,
Chetu

Paradox - more than just a word.

moms,

    As days go by, I find myself better understanding the paradox of my life. 5 years ago, by this time we had completed a lot of things. I think you were into vmware. Preetu, you and Pavan got into Cognizant. I was selected in Wipro. I think you and veda had just started. I think this was the start of the 8th semester where you were interning with Cisco, Preetu was interning with IBM, me n Pavan were at home doing 8th sem project (respectively :) I think this was one of the semesters where we had maximum walk the talks. I think all of them around RR Nagar area. This was also the semester of realisations. You realised how much you are not suitable for a development job ... how many nights you spent learning up python for a scripting tool you wrote in Cisco! Preeth realised how much he hates IBM AIX. Also, he seemed to realise that Vidya's the one for him and soon change minds and say its over!

    Those walks is what I love the most. Although we wouldn't actually walk and talk ... those sessions somehow got the name walk the talk. Probably because we kept walking from one chat place to another :P Till now I didn't understand what was the trigger behind the talks, but somehow after having cutlet chat, and a burger we were in some philosophical topic or another. As usual, I used to be the wonderful listener ... pretending to be passive but inside want to listen to every word that's spoken. Somehow I had it etched in my mind that - i make a moo point. Even though I pretended that I had enough of the talk ... and looked at the world around (aka. bird watching) I secretely enjoyed it. I relived everymoment of the conversation soon after we left for our respective houses and smiled. Those conversations always gave me company. Hence I never felt alone. At a point in time, I kinda felt I had enough of these looong talks. Coz I felt most of the time they didn't lead anywhere. Its like you talk and talk until one of us feels the need to go home. I was so ignorant of the fact that those times and moments were spent with 3 of the most favorite people of my life. I was so naive that I couldn't even recognise the amount of feel good factor that came when we talked. Just being a passive listener to most of the looong life changing talks that we had, I had so much feel good about myself and my life. I can only imagine how good I would have felt and how much I would have changed had I actively participated in the discussions.

5 years hence, I sit at a library at one of the universities I never even remotely thought I would end up in, in a country I thought I'd never be able to visit - Paradox number 1. My house is a good 20 minutes walk from the library (or the classrooms). Each day I walk home even though there is a good bus service. I walk home because, the path home is nice. It gives me time to think. It gives me time with myself. I walk home because, that's when I retrospect. I walk home because, that's when I feel I want to talk to you the most. I want to talk about a lot of things that have changed and how I have changed. I want to talk about how situations present themselves to me and how I dealt with them (or blissfully ignored them). I want to talk about this new thing I found out about. I want to talk about that new dish I cooked and would love for you to taste it. I want to generally talk trash for a long time and feel good at the end of it. I walk home trying to do all these. I walk alone - Paradox number 2. I thought I was kidding when I told you guys: "stuff happens very late with me. I realise or understand or come up with some improved version after a definite time lag. That lag is greater than each of you." Little did I know that this is how I work! I realise a lot of things about us and our past and how I could have done something and didn't. I immediately pick up my phone and dial your number. You can't pick my calls now. Paradox number 3. All my life I've been in the company of some amazing people. Until engineering I had my sister and mother as good friends. Engineering onwards, you came along. Amidst all of you, I thought it'll be cool to say that I like being alone! I went to trips alone. I went to bike rides alone (of course, those are apart from what we went to), I went to movies alone. Little did I realise that isolating oneself temporarily is not called being alone. And now that I have come to understand what being alone means, I don't want to be alone. Just the feeling of lonliness gives me a chill. All I can do about it is to stomach it.

"Solitude is the company of a virtuous few." I kinda liked this as a punchline. Now that I know what Solitude truly means, I don't want to be one of the virtuous few. I want to be the normal un-virtuous fellow who claims to be alone but can't. Paradox number 4. I wish I didn't have to learn this way. I wish I realised the value of what I had with me back in 2008. I wish I had done well in that EMC interview I was called for on July 09th 2006. I wish I had come along with you on July 23rd 2008. I wish I was your room-mate in the US. I wish I was with you. Enough wishing .... I just want you.

Chetan

ಎದ್ದೇಳು ಮಂಜುನಾಥ!

moms,

    This was long overdue! I have not written to you in a long time! Lot of things have changed. For a start, it didn't work out. May be it wasn't meant to be. What ever circle completion stuff I told you about ... didn't materialize. However, if you think in another perspective ... the circle is still complete. If you think it isn't complete it isn't - and otherwise. It took one person a quite an amount of energy and effort to make me understand that. I finally understood a lot of things. One of the most important things is that: One is always in need of a perspective. The lack of a certain perspective on something, makes one go mad in the head. But once one understands that particular perspective, everything is as right as rain.

    Our little foursome group - I always pictured it to be a square with diagonals. Later I changed its visualization to a triangle - with a center that is connected to the vertices. That center is you. You held us together. I dono wat preeth and poms say, but I think you held it together even when you moved to US. I kept thinking as to what is it that brings us 4 together. I thought it was the love for food, climbing mountains, etc. But I am wrong. What holds us together is you. The others were mere materialistic reasons. It is with you that I want to climb any mountain possible. It is beside you that I want to ride to the highest motarable place possible. It is with you that I want to stand at Goeche La pass and wonder how many miles away is Mt. Kanchenjunga. It is with you that I want to stand on the beach and watch all the sunsets. Remember our biking trips to Shivu ?? well ... I want to do that with no one but you.

    When I first booked my tickets to Raleigh ... I wished that you'd come to the airport. We'd head home and you'd show me around NCSU ... especially all the places you told me about over the phone. Then we'd sit and have a loooong chat about life and why the heck did I, you, and the others come to the US in the first place. It wouldn't have bothered me much if we didn't go for a trip ... as long as we get to spend some time together. I think we most definitely would have had a session about how to convince your father-in-law. On and on I can go for ages !!! I still did come to Raleigh as planned. I still did go home. I didn't feel something missing. Didn't get that sinking feeling. Science may not agree, but I think you're there with me. Of course I can't slap you or hug you or reply to ur typical "karun" questions ... but you're always there. You always will be. For me ... you are still in some distant land where I have to take a looong leave to get to. You're there waiting for me. Waiting to be woken up by me ... just like old times. I'll get there moms ... and I will wake you  up. You better wake up soon.

+ Chetan

RTP Calling !!!

moms,

    Summer 2011 ... I definitely want to spend in RTP. I think it'll happen, provided I don't screw up the interviews. Yes. I got a call from NetApp ... resume's through! I got the mail now. Very happy and excited. If this is through! then ... one step closer to what I wished for.

+ Chetan

1/11/11

moms,
   I am now in Charlotte, North Carolina. 2 hours away from home. So much changed in the past 4 months. Exactly 4 months ago, I decided to change universities from UT Arlington. Spoke to a couple of people about it. Some of them wanted to change but decided not to because the process is too painstaking. Apply to  universities, get recco letters, test-scores, etc. But I went for it. I didn't find the process to be cumbersome. Probably because I wanted to change badly. Anyway ... 4 months later here I am. New university for a new year. The first time I came to Charlotte, I didn't feel anything. Didn't feel out of place, didn't feel lost, didn't feel home, didn't feel away. Just blank I guess. I was dropped off at Cary Amtrak station to catch a train toward Charlotte ... and all the way there I didn't know what to speak. Just spoke something random, made fun of Cary downtown. I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye ... anyway that's how I left home. 
   When someone says "Happy new year" - i don't know how to react. May be because I don't feel this is a new year. May be I never felt that its a new year. Some how this time I felt new year started on Jan 5th and not Jan 1st. I've come to realise certain things. This year my aim is to undo certain wrong stuff in myself. This is a promise.
   
 - Chetu

Sweet child

 Standing on some big rocks on Murudeshwara beach, he asked - "ನಾವು sea level ಗಿಂತ ಎಷ್ಟು ಮೇಲೆ ಇದೀವಿ ?"
 Standing on the beach, looking at the ocean he questions - "ಈಗ  tsunami ಬಂದ್ರೆ  ಹೇಗಿರತ್ತೆ  ಅಲ್ವ !"
 Some good people offered us paid bike-rides to certain interesting places around Sirsi, Karnataka. 2 bikes - 5 ppl. Sitting as a pillion on one of the bikes, he interacts with the driver so much and asks him - "ನೀವು ಹೆಂಗ್ ರೀ ಇಷ್ಟು oLLeavru ?"
 To counter the feeling of nausea, on a highway through hills - he tilts his head in the direction of the curve ... that's fine but he does that even at 4 am in the morning when the bus is out of Sagara, Karnataka. He's half asleep while he does his "headbanging" (as I like to call it) tilts his head for a curve and falls asleep ... I poke him, he wakes up immediately tilts his head the otherway saying "ನಾನು ಎದ್ದೆ ಇದ್ದೀನಿ" and falls asleep again.
 Though we tease him that he exaggerates when he acknowledges something, deep down we all know every word of his exaggeration is heart felt.
 Take any problem to him, he'll break it down and give you possible solutions ... and more importantly perspectives. Those perspectives will be flawless and the right thing. Call him gifted and he says, "ಕರ್ಮ! simple ಆಗಿ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡಿದ್ರೆ ಜನ ಏನ್-ಏನೋ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ." It is his birthday today ... the "child-like" mind and him ... ladies n gentleman ... this is Karun Nijaguna for you. 

 Happy birthday moms !!

chetu.

ls -s ... really ?

moms,

  On December 8th, I told you something about somebody's ls -s. I called it a "red letter day." Now I have come to think of it otherwise. Was it really a red-letter day ? Did the red-letter day arrive sooner than expected ? were everyone involved completely read for it ? I just don't know ! I hope it's figured out soon.

+ Chetu

finally married ... well, almost

   Sometime in 2002, I remember that me, you, and Preetu met up at your place to study for Math internals. Preetu stopped studying after one worked example, you followed and I stopped after four or five. Preetu's exact words were: "eno idu! nodkondre saaku enu thale use madodu bekilla." We went for a casual walk later on around Isro layout. We went to Devara kere and sat down speaking kashta sukha. Initial trash talk led to some serious things and soon you guys were talking serious stuff like preetu and vidya, you and you-know-who. Well, I remember only so much coz ... like a dumb-arse I thought the talk was boring and went on a walk around the lake!! Anyway, coming back to the point of this blog, - 8 years later Preetu's life has finally settled. I can confidently say it is "ls -s" for Preetu. Vidya told me that her wedding is fixed and to be held in Feb 2011. I didn't feel happy n stuff ... instead I was relieved. How much that poor soul has been through! I told her ... soon after you get married, on your car you put up a sign "Finally married!!" anta.
   
   Good things happening in namm boyz lives. Wish you were here to see all this. I think you have a huge role to play in their relationship. How much you stood and bucked Preetu up when he said "ashte maga, we're over." My god! I still remember the looooong talk session we had that night in GanapatipuLe beach. No matter what Preetu said, you (and Vidya) always knew he cannot live without her. That's a gift few have moms ... understanding a person so much that you'll know what's best for them even if they don't. Anyway ... this blog was about Preetu and Vidya's ls -s ... so i'll keep my thoughts off it. That's it moms ... I've nothing else to say right now ... although I have a lot in many other contexts especially my visit to Cali. Will write to you after I gather my thoughts.
   
love you moms,
Chetu

I hate weekends!!!

moms,

  Yepp. its official. This is the worst weekend ever! - so far. I have a nasty course to study, head's all heated up, and every time I call I hear the female voice from AT&T and Vodafone ... say what she says. I hate watching movies on the laptop ... I hate watching sitcoms alone ... but I am doing all that. Is it so dam hard to have a proper day! I hate this situation ... bloody hell ... what ever did I do wrong!

+ Chetan

Being the best-man: gift or curse ?

   "Ladies, Gentlemen may I have your attention please." He said standing up to a set of people neatly dressed up and seated in their designated seats around the dinner table. The best man of the groom placed the glass of orange-juice (this guy is a tee-totaler) on the table and went on to say, "I have known these two love birds since college. Anything said about their love will fall short to describe the perfection that they are - together. Comparisons become useless, and hence I'll be brief and let's give a big round of applause for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect." He clapped his hands and initiated an applause that came from every table. The bride and groom looked at the best man and smiled. He sat down and got back to his orange juice while the band announced that it was time for the first dance. Space in the middle was cleared and the bride and groom danced to the soft tunes of Eagles ballads.
  
  While everyone was being about, chatting, greeting and generally sticking to the typical ceremonial behavior... there was this one person who was lost in retrospection. He just stood there in the corner and looked at the couple dance. One could clearly tell that he was completely lost in retrospect by looking at his face. He was not even trying to hide it! This blog is the story of what a best friend goes through ... especially if he is best friends with both the bride and groom. This blog (or series of blogs) looks to bring out the predicaments and the feeling of detachment a person feels when his best friends enter into a relationship.
  
  Awesome threesome that they were ... always spent time together. Even when they were geographically apart, they spent time together. Thanks to technology ... it was possible. The best-man smiled when he recalled the really long voice conferences the the three of em had. Those voice conferences didn't have a stipulated end time. They used to end on one weekend, only to begin on a second weekend - right where it was left off. The best-man's room mate kept track of the time span of these voice conferences and was amazed to see the talking capacity of people. This went on for a few weeks... and then suddenly he was told that the other two had decided to become a couple. "what ? how ? when ? i mean ... where ??" These were his initial reactions. He was so happy ... and confused at the same time. Happy because now, there is nothing that can separate him with his friends. Confused because he had no clue about what was going on. He needed sometime to sink it in and hence just expressed the happiness part of it and burried the confusion deep within him. 

  "ring... ring... Hello! (voice on phone) hieeee! ... what u upto ? (voice on phone) talking to him ;) oh ... (giggles) you two have a nice time chatting :) say hello to him from myside (voice on phone) okee will do. I'll call once I am done." The call almost never came. Initial days were when the best-man knew the couple needed time for each other and didn't bother about the non-returned calls. When the callback did come, it came with a lot of exciting events and things to share. The best-man felt so happy that he was part of something so special. After hanging up the phone, he went for a long walk and couldn't help thinking about the great times they're supposedly going to have in the not so near and uncertain future. Little did he know, destiny always has other plans.
  
  It was one of those days for the best-man... a really bad day. He felt really down and wanted to talk about it to his friends. "ring... ring... ring... ring... The person you called is not available at this moment. Please leave a message after the tone." "Hi! its me. Wat a crappy day... called you just like that. Call me back if possible. Bye." The call never came. He called again only to speak to the voice-mail woman yet another time. After a few attempts he gave up and thought his friends will call back. The call did come later that evening ... but by the time he could speak up and explain himself he learned that on the other side his friend is in a deep tone. Trouble! What the trouble was is irrelevant in this perspective. What's important is that the best-man swallowed his bad feeling, heard up and made his friend feel better. This is the first of many more such instances that a best-man has to go through. Everyone said that the best-man is the most understanding person ever. Some even go ahead and call it a trait or a boon. I say that it is a curse. It is a curse upon oneself to understand others to such an extent that no reaction to lack of reciprocity is assumed. An understanding person is always there... for his buddies. But are the buddies there for the understanding person ? Reciprocity doesn't have to be materialistic. It just has to be a thing or two shared or most of the time being there. 


  The rest of this story is an open question. Is it not right on the part of a person who is understanding to expect to be reciprocated ? Can this feeling of "he'll understand, he'll be there ... it's okay" be called as taking the best-man for granted ? Is it the best-man's mistake that he did not communicate his "left out" feeling with the couple ? or is it the couple's mistake that they didn't think the best-man would ever feel left out ? Why should the best-man feel lonely even when he is around the most important people in his life ? Why is it that when a new relationship starts, the existing ones take a beating ? Why is it that some times the closest people are completely oblivious to an obvious feeling which is otherwise quite visible to the uninitiated ? It is a gift for only few people that balance relationships well.  If one happens to ask them how they do it - you'd get a response that "I am not balancing anything here. I speak out everything that I ever think of to every speacial person in my life. And I want to hear from my special ones too. If they don't speak out, I claw my way into them and try to make them feel better." If you ever have known such a person ... you hold on to them real tight - for such a thing is one of a kind.
  
 - chetu

ls -s

   I am happy! so happy. Something good happening in friends lives. But again... this just had to happen. What goes down has to rise up - and rise it did! I guess I haven't sunk in the feeling completely hence I am at a loss of words to describe it to you but You can see it, right moms ?? Its been taken care of. The reason you came back... the reason for your smiles... is now in good hands. Someone said "a traveller looks all over the place only to find what he was looking for back home." Applying this ... what was being searched for is now found amongst us. Thanks to a few amazing people and the courage within... there are smiles awaiting. The question is ... is it here ? or miles away ? I know what this event means to me in the future... but still I am happy. The effort and thought paid off. Record this day moms! It is a red letter day (amongst others) in all our lives.


- chetu

எனக்கு ஒரு friend வேணடும் [DOT]

Uncomfortable Nostalgia

  moms,
  
   Nostalgia can be chilling. I always thought that it would be a nice feeling to be nostalgic. There are instances that will bring a smile on my face and that feel good lasts for a long time. Most of those instances involved us spending time together ... either in Bangalore or miles away from civilization (usually the latter). Instances like ... watching the first sunrise of the year from the kodachardri peak, eating misaaL pav in a place that is not known on the map, speaking to each other loudly to be audible against the musical backdrop of Unchalli falls, long silences followed by laughter in Raju katte. These are all timeless moments that we spent together ... and will last more than a lifetime. Then there are others. Moments which I wouldn't want to recollect even in my dreams. Most of these instances happened in college ... yes - you know exactly what I am talking about. The times when everyone around me seemed to know what exactly was happening, but I was the only one who didn't. I won't go into details coz that is only going to screw up my mind for the next 2 months. I intend to be happy for the next 2 months atleast!
   
   It was 2005-06 all over again for me today! I was blissfully unaware of something nice that happened. Apparantly it didn't occur to anyone of them involved that somewhere in the other part of the time zone there exists something similar to a human being called Chetan! Often it is these small things that will manage to wound a person partially. That damned wound will not heal ... but will not show also! It hides beneath making appearances at the wrong times. This time the situations are not the same. This time there isn't a YOU with me. For 2 minutes I completely felt a void in my heart. However I am not going to ponder over it much. Simply put in 2 words - life-u ishtene! At the end of the chess game, irrespective of who won ... all pieces go back into the box. Shake it off, lower expectations and move on. The sad part is ... there ain't no reciprocity anymore. I don't think anyone knows the meaning of reciprocity anymore. No point blaming them ... because no one can be like you! No one can be like you - that'll dismiss the point of you being unique. The "ME" back from 2005 would have reacted in a totally different way. But I am not going to waste my energy pondering about this insignificant thing. But I do write this blog to symbolize something. This blog is a symbol of what life has become without you. End of an Era. I would never have written this blog entry or felt like this had you been with me now. I remember once we were on phone and generally discussing on the topic of what's gonna remain ... the answer was ... me and you. The answer is same even today. Only this time ... you aren't physically present. So only me - to the outside world.
   
   Time and again verses of this song I listen to are proved right. I try to give examples to myself that attempt to prove the verses otherwise. But I have failed in every such attempt. My biggest loss is today's unfortunate event. I call it an unfortunate event coz that's what it is to me ... it could have been anything. But for me ... its an unfortunate event because it just didn't occur to people! Anyway, just for the record here are the verses from that song

   Koi nahi hai, mera yahan - tere bina!

   veeraan sa hai, saara sama - tere bina

   soone nagar hai, sooni dagar hai

   soone hai manzar, sooni nazar hai

   bin tere... tere bina

mai hoo aur kaali raath hai

bas ek gham hee tho saath hai

ek gehera dukh, tere kaaran

mere mann par aise chaata hai

maidaan pe jaise ek baadal

saaya apna phailaata hai

   

   chorus:

   wo din bhi kya the!

   jab leke tu aaya tha har khushi

   dil poochta hai

   kya aisa hoga dubaara kabhi ?

   maine dil se kaha 

   iss khab ko bhool ja!!

   
   chetu

Dear Destiny - what did i ever do to you ?

Don't go he said. There's more to it than just you
Go! I said. There is nothing more important than just you
He made his choice clean and clear
Thought about all this that we would fear
Planned things in advance thinking stuff up
He did go back ... for a reason
and the reason is you


Destiny smiled from above
the times then were great
Just when I thought he was out 
You pulled him.


now the times have changed
but the same discussion remains
Don't go I said. There's nothing more to it than you
"I'll go" it said. I can't live with the distance
Come back to us I said. Let's see I've put things in motion he said
Now it is a waiting game for me
Each day gifts me with new questions
Questions for which there are no answers
Thinking about the answers makes me sad


Destiny smiles again this time more wicked than ever
Destiny had the upper hand twice before
It has the upper hand now
I don't have anything against you, dear Destiny
All I ask for is a simple life.
Don't go dear! I said
Come here dear! I said 
Have both questions fallen on deaf ears ?
I can't stop thinking
Can't stop feeling helpless
20 minutes is all I need
I'll put that thought in, which is now oblivious
Is that too much to ask for, my dear Destiny ?


He believed in you so much, dear Destiny
Sometimes I wonder, were you so desparate 
so as to snatch him away from us ?
were you so devoid of love ?
so as to become possesive about him
you took him ... I cannot understand that
but why not put smiles back on my face again ?
why these shady games ? what are you trying tell ?
what did I ever do to you ?

Miss you, Miss you not

moms,


  My first thanksgiving weekend in US. I learned that people invite their close circle and put up a nice thanksgiving dinner. And also that people shop till they drop during thanksgiving. Shops open at midnight and almost all of my classmates and university ppl queued up to grab the best deals. Some of them managed to get hold of amazing discounts while they were available. As for me I stayed up all night ... but in my house. Didn't dare to venture out... it was biting cold! (atleast for me) Sometime last week Vijay Raj had invited me over for thanksgiving. I went there on Friday evening. They have some house moms! Its huge! Vijay is a very nice person. I met Guna and Savithri aunty as well. Most of them there were wondering who I was or what was I doing there. Vijay then introduced me to everyone. After all the pleasentaries it was time for retrospection. Each one approacmhed me and asked me how did I know you. I took pride in saying that I was your best friend. These were my exact words: "He is my best friend." (please note no past tense) An elderly woman asked me "So do you miss him ?" I looked at her for a second and thought about the answer. Now what kind of a question was that ? Am I supposed to say YES and fit in the social protocol ? or Am I supposed to say NO... its been 4 months I've moved on! I stood there looking at her and then said "Yes very much." After I came back to Arlington, I got thinking and searching for an answer for the question "Do I miss you ?" 
  
  June 8th 2008 ... I left for Germany. You came home to say goodbye. July 23rd 2008 ... You left for the US. After I came back from Germany... I didn't miss you. NO. Why ? coz you were always present. I knew all that went on in your life... you knew all that went on in mine. Only difference being we talk on phone rather than on Raju katte. You still made the same influence in my life ... and I did the same in yours. You share your experiences with child like enthusiasm and so did I. I didn't miss you moms ... didn't miss you at all. The times when I missed you were when I called and reached your voicemail box. July 23rd 2010... my last working day at Bosch. The company I stuck with for 4 years (throwing away a fine oppurtunity to join EMC/VMWare) ... I had imagined about that day before. I'll resign, go home and call you ... we can speak about it for hours ... Then I land in the US ... I'll live with you for sometime and then head off to the university. During that time, we would sit and talk for hours ... much like how we used to back in BE. You complain about her and she about you while I sit there and laugh at the sillyness. I make you guys some delicious food. All of us chat with pavan over video and motivate him to come over to the US ... he gives reasons why he shouldn't come over to the US. You show me around NCSU, showing places and recollecting "illi adu maadidvi, alli idu maadidvi." Yes. I miss all that. All I can do now is to create hypothetical conversations and smile. 
  
  Do I miss you ? best answer is a question: "Do you miss your conscience ?" You are my conscience moms ... How can I ever miss you ? You are always there. When I do something wrong, or think about something that is so un-me ... I hear a voice "beesteeni magane!" Then I take a step back and think again. You have always been my guiding light and always will be. Conscience doesn't have a form ... bullshit! I say conscience is 6 feet tall, has a fair complexion, medium build, hint of tummy, a perfect nose, and hair that can be styled in any direction in seconds (without a comb!) But that form is not talking to me these days. My heart craves to listen to that voice. My heart cries out loud to speak about you to someone. You know the irony moms - I am under specific instructions not to speak about you to someone! That day I completely missed you. No one can talk like that to me! But still considering the gravity of the situation I agreed... Had you been there ... I'd never had to face what I did: I miss you for that. I miss the way you made me feel about the world and myself. I miss the space you gave me in your life even when she came into it. I miss the clarity of thought in you when talking about an issue. I miss the positive thinking in you that made people around you smile and brave even when destiny conspired against your life. I miss the love you show to your special ones. I miss the amount of time and thought you give to better your special ones' lives. I miss the energy you showed towards things that may seem trivial to most people. I miss the bike rides to Shivu during which we had the maximum bonding. I miss the happiness I used to find in small things wnhile you are around. I miss the life that I dreamt about us growing old together. I miss the trips that we would have gone on together. I miss the life in US with you even though I never lived with you in the US. All in all - I miss you moms. I miss you sooo much. As ksham said, I stay frozen on July 12th 2010... nothing has changed for me and nothing will ever. I will never have a best friend and a brother again. Life's just mechanical and goes on ... but the memory remains.

back to that mode which everyone hate

moms,


   Today i lost it completely. Past couple of days, I sunk down and low to such a level that there isn't any lower that I can go. Idella bekitta nange ? Eno gottilla. Those days that I did not want to face ever again came back to me. My mind is now back to 2005-2006-2007. Suddenly, Metallica and other heavy metal music look interesting. Listening to them gives some sort of respite. It doesn't do anything to help me ... but increases the aggression in me. There is this new spark that is converted into a fire by my latest choice of music. "Bring it on... i don't need nothin." That is the attitude now. I seriously didn't want me to end up in a place like this ... by what to do, when all else fails I turn towards aggression for solace. For the first time, I missed calling home. Not because I was exhausted, not because I was sleepy or unwell... but I just didn't want to. I didn't want to speak to nobody. And that is the me I hate so much. No choice moms, absolutely no-choice. I am tired of sitting on this side of the laptop screen, being on this side of the phone, always being on the other side. Screw it! I need some strength on my own and this is how I get it. I picked up this line "solitude is the company of a virtuous few" from a colleague. I thought it sounded cool. Little did I know that its gonna bloody describe my situation in the near future. You would definately despise this aggressive me. You would not even talk to this new me. Can't help it. I have little choice with now you being up there. For my own good ... my mind has spawned this thread. I hate myself for being like this. All the concious attempts that I made to stop this state of mind have gone in vain. I really don't know how things will work out or will they work out at all. 


   By the way, I got a call back from Microsoft... they said we are interested in bringing you on for an onsite interview session. This in my first semester. I am supposed to be happy for it. The old me would be jumping ... coz this is something to be excited about. But the current doesn't even care! I don't know if I am twisted upstairs in my head or this is a natural reaction from me. I know only this... from this moment on, I'll lock myself from all kinds of social activity, with too aggressive messages on facebook ... aggressive reactions to people who are uninitiated to my state and will probably think I am retarted. I don't fuckin care! Live life 24hours at a time. Nothing else even remotely matters. I hate my state of mind ... but i didn't ask for it... i guess it just happened. Is there anything that can douse the flames inside me moms ?? Let me know.


+ Chetu

Koi Nahi hai

moms,

   

   I got a reply from Microsoft regarding an internship position I applied to about three weeks ago. They want to schedule a phone interview somewhere in 10-ish November. This is my first semester of graduate study and I got a call! I might have got lucky ... or be at the right place at the right time. Who cares... I still got an interview call. If it were to be said in your words - this is one of those "WOW Moment"

   My first year in USA. The place where work on Eclipse is biig. There are these "Demo Camps" organized by the Eclipse Foundation around the world. Its no fancy huge corporate event but a small gathering of Eclipse enthusiasts and developers (max 40 ppl) who talk about what's cool and new with Eclipse. For a techie ... this is better than a huge conference as he/she gets to meet many like minded techies and contacts. Who knows ? these contacts can come of some help when one wants to switch. Imagine what it can do to a graduate student in Computer Science. There is one such Demo Camp organized at RTP by IBM. As soon I read the blog on planeteclipse.org, I jumped up and wrote to the organizer with the topic I want to present. He replied the next day saying I m more than welcome. The topic seems to have some interest as it is just provisioned and accepted at eclipse.org. Yess... I am going to present a brief demo about what one can expect from Sphinx (www.eclipse.org/sphinx) - in RTP on Nov 10th. This has to be a sooper dooper WOW moment for me. One that I am going back home :) ... another because I am going to present something for the first time to a completely different kind of audience. - WOW Moment!!

   All saturday afternoon in my apartment my room-mates were on a looong Skype conference with their friends who are now spread across the globe. I was reminded of our looong conferences and talks back in 2008. I always used to be blasted by you for not having a web-cam set up in my PC! Anyway... my room mates' long Skype session made me nostalgic. It brought a smile on my face ... coz I remembered all the good talks we had. This may not be a WOW moment ... but it's a small fgf moment.

   I am changing universities for Spring 2011... going to UNC Charlotte ... where I already have loved the courses and the program itself. I am so looking forward to it. Although this is not a WOW moment ... its a good step for my career I feel.

   These WOW moments instill confidence, josh and a feeling of well being in one. These moments are supposed to boost one's morale, energy and have a lasting smile (well at least temporarily) But yet, they are doing nothing. I am not at all excited that I am going to Raleigh to present something that I love to a fabulous audience. I am not at all excited that I am changing Universities although I clearly know that it is the right step for my career. I am not at all excited about even telling these to people here. You know, my room-mate gets so much joy in telling the good things that happened to him on a day to his friends. I know this because I listen the same things he tells to different friends. Why don't I have that now ? I want to jump with joy because I'll visit Raleigh again (this time for about 6 days). I want to jump because I'll get to present something to an audience that includes the Executive Director of eclipse.org. But ... instead of excitement and joy... there is emptiness. Which keeps wondering ... where is this part of me that used to be like a child ? the part of me that used to be so happy just by looking at rain! That part of me, moms, now rests in peace with you. The more I want to feel otherwise, I am only proved right. My sentiment is perfectly summarized in this song penned by Javed Akhtar and sung by Shankar Mahadevan. Once moms .... just once ... i want to speak to you... I promise I'll not bugg you... just once say yes.

+ Chetu